Has Anyone Ever Tried Any Of These CRAZY Gay Sex Positions?

Have you, in an attempt to spice things up in the boudoir, attempted to look at a gay porn video and copy the things that they’re doing? What about when they get to doing the “Under the Big Top” or “The American Sandwich”? Do you try those too, or just leave those to the experts?

In this post, inspired by a post I saw on Nightcharm, written by Shawn Baker, we talk about some gay sex positions you shan’t try at home.

Granted, I can understand the need to spice things up a little bit, especially in gay porn. Boys only have 2 holes, and it makes things a little more difficult. Plus, we’ve been seeing the same few positions (doggy, piledriver, etc) over and over for 30 or so years. Every now and then, it’s good to spice things up.

But with these positions? Oh my. Hope no gay porn stars were hurt in the making.
So let’s begin:

The Triple Decker Bus

There’s something kind of Human Centipede going on here, so approach with caution. You can’t over-choreograph this one.

Could you imagine being the middle guy in this? He has it the easiest and hardest at the same time. On one hand, the top has no real place to put his hands, so he can’t really find leverage. And the bottom has to deal with so much weight on him, so he has to be super strong. But the middle guy is getting pleasure on BOTH ends. It probably takes all that’s within him to keep from cumming.

Personally, I prefer the one where the guys are all on their side, like in this scene from Titan Men, with Adam Killian, Shay Michaels and Jesse Ares. Still hot, but less of a balancing act.

The Standing 69

I feel like Gavin Waters, since he has massive upper body strength, is the ideal guy to attempt many of these gay sex positions, but attempts this one quite frequently in particular. And that in itself may be the reason that you shouldn’t try it at home. Gavin, in his massive body strength, et al, gives you a false sense of security; he makes you feel like “He can do it? Well by golly, so can I!”

And then you do.

And then you die.

This one should only be attempted after you go to the gym (NOT THE GAY GYM. None of that gay shower sex. ACTUAL Working out) for a few months and prepare.

The Puzzle Box

The Puzzle Box is kind of a variation on the Triple-Decker Bus gay sex position. With the Triple Decker Bus, if a guy was in a scene with someone that they REALLY didn’t like, they didn’t really have to look at their face. Or you know, if you’re sleeping with a butterface. No one likes a butterface.

The Puzzle Box gay sex position may be used if you’re one of those sleazy gays that likes to sleep with their friends. Or if you’re just sleeping with someone you actually CAN stand. It’s like you’re saying, “I actually LIKE your face. I wanna look at it more whilst we have supremely awkward sex.

The Jackhammer

This is not a move you want to overplay, for obvious reasons. Keep the motion simple and the pace light. Short, slow thrusts are the name of the game, and this works best as a transition into a more tenable position. Out of courtesy, your fuck buddy on the bottom gets to call “Time!” when he’s had enough. I know I have before. Sometimes, in this position, all I want to do is pee, because my bladder is being stimulated WAY too much. But I know if I DO pee, I’ll be like this straight guy, who lost a bet and had to pee in his own mouth.

This seems to be a signature Eastern European move. Maybe it’s something in the water over there that enables every porn star to be able to collapse his body inward like a folding chair. Or maybe the Lord just built the Visconti Triplets better than us mere mortals. But it’s starting to rub off on us Americans too; I’ve been seeing more guys perform these gay porn positions in videos. Like Mason Star REALLY seems to love the jackhammer. Europe is so ahead of us Americans.

The Reverse Jackhammer

Besides the “Under the Big Top”, where the top performs the splits in between two pieces of furniture whilst fucking a bottom, this is one of the more difficult gay sex positions. There’s degree of difficulty, and then there’s a death wish for your dick. I mean, it’s like trying to fuck the coin return in a vending machine!

The only way this should be performed humanely is with the benefit of a couch, So the top can have cushion, and the bottom can have stability. Thanks to the LORD my dick doesn’t bend like that, so I can’t even attempt this one.

Ass To Ass, Baby!

What movie was that, where Rosario Dawson says “You never go ass to mouth“? Well she never said you couldn’t go ass-to-ass. While seemingly easy, this is one of those gay sex positions that is more difficult than meets the eye. It requires a lot of rhythm. And a lot of dildo too. And…apparently a third guy.

The Standing Congress

This congress of two seems to put in more work than the American Congress! It’s probably because we let them have sex and don’t freak out when a dirty picture comes out. I’m starting to learn that those people screaming for the demise of big government may just be right.

The Standing Congress is straight from the pages of The Kama Sutra, which means it looks a good deal more exciting than it may actually play out. Even if you’re the tiniest of twinks, that’s still a lot of weight for your partner to bear for a prolonged period. If you don’t want to use a sex rack for support, then use a wall or even sit your asses down on a chair. Just make sure that both of you have a good grip as you strap yourself in and feel the G’s.

The American Sandwich

You know how Obsessed with meat Americans are. Look at KFC’s Double Down (That could have ALSO been the name for this position). Anyway, I remember the days when a gay porn star would do some double penetration, and get all kinds of awards (Jesse Santana did a few years ago). That was before fisting became the new double penetration, gingers became the new fisting, and sounding became the new gingers.

But…has anyone ever had the feeling that what we see depicted on screen in gay features is actually about thirty seconds of actual close-up penetration repeated any number of times and punctuated by copious simulated grinding? The reality is that our orifices are just not as elastic and accommodating as women’s.

Man & Machine

For those times when you really DON’T need a man in your life.

Look, in the future we’re all gonna be fucking robots — that’s a given — but I’m talking about musclebound Terminators and slutty-ass C3P0s, not unyielding, merciless cock probes we stand spread-eagled over. I’m just not sure that any toy or machine can ever be as satisfying as an actual human partner. Cause you can’t exactly tell a machine to slow down, speed up, smack you, hit it harder, etc. Sex toys are nice as props, but who wants to turn to chrome, gears, and plastic for a good toss?

I might…once.

The Roman Candle

THE FUCK??? I just can’t. Seriously? I can see it now:

“You wanna do what with my what?!”

“C’mon. It’ll be so hot.”

“Yeah, I know it will!”

“Please?”

“Get bent!”

“I saw it in one of those Boynapped movies!”

“Well I saw Body of Evidence, and the only thing waxier than Willem Dafoe’s abs was Madonna’s face! And I thought that was dick-wilting!”

No one is putting a candle in or near my ass. Fuck that.

But what about you? Which of these gay sex positions have you tried? Which gay sex positions do you WANT to try, but have been to chicken to? Don’t lie…spill the beans.

Do Not Attempt!: Ten Truly Perilous Gay Porn Sex Positions